


50 State Pickup

by Stratagem



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, Parody, Stereotypes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 03:31:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10653996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stratagem/pseuds/Stratagem
Summary: America loves all of the States sooo muuuch. They just happen to drive him completely bonkers. An AU collection of 50 States short stories.





	1. South of the Border

America's house was enormous by necessity. He kept his family close, mainly to keep an eye on them and make sure they didn't bicker too much between themselves. With fifty states to keep track of on top of international alliances, America was an exceptionally busy nation.

At least not all of the states were rowdy. They couldn't all be as bad as Texas, after all.

Lately, the house was in something of a disarray. Most of the states weren't pleased with the new Boss, and everyone had descended into arguing over whose fault it was that the Orange Big Floppy Wig was in charge. So when America heard shouting from out on the lawn, he was sure that it would be over that situation.

He was surprised to find North Carolina and South Carolina out front on the sidewalk that led up to the house. The twins had drawn a line on the sidewalk and were standing on either side of it. Slightly on SC's side was an obviously bright sombrero hat with a face.

"I said for you to keep it!" North Carolina yelled, her hands on her hips. A brunette, she had long curly hair that was held back in a high ponytail. She wore two shirts, one t-shirt with a snarky glazed donut on it and a nice red plaid long-sleeve over that, and she was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans. Barefoot, both of her heels were dark with tar. How come America couldn't ever get her to keep her feet clean? Was it really that hard?

"No way, I made it for you," South Carolina said, giving the sombrero hat a shove, "It's yours!"

"Pedro so sad," the hat declared, its freakishly happy tone clashing with its words.

South Carolina was a brunette, like his twin sister, but his hair was short and spiky. He was wearing a Myrtle Beach t-shirt with camo-colored board shorts. He was also wearing flip-flops, which was a step up from NC.

"You made it to get me in trouble," NC snapped, "You just wanted me to come spend money on stuff I'm not even supposed to have!"

"Pedro has fireworks, half off for Black Cats!"

"See?!" North Carolina said, gesturing wildly to the sombrero, "I said I wouldn't use those anymore, and there you are, tempting me!"

"I can't help it that you're no fun," South Carolina said, smirking at his sister, who was the more cautious of the two. South Carolina, on the other hand, was fun-loving to the extreme.

"I am too fun! I have Carowinds!"

"We share Carowinds, genius!"

"Can you two stop yelling?" America asked, looking at his aggravating kids, "You're giving me a headache."

"Dad, stop, let them keep going," Georgia said. She, Virginia, and Tennessee were sitting out on a blanket on the yard, sharing popcorn and watching the festivities. North Carolina and South Carolina got along pretty well but they did love to bicker about who was better, and the arguments could be quite fun.

"Look, you guys, your siblings aren't here for your entertainment," America said, shaking his head. Ugh, he hated having to be the responsible one.

"'cept for Hawaii," Tennessee said, looking up from the popcorn bowl. He grinned a buck-toothed smile and tilted his straw-blond haired head to the side. "I don't think she likes it when you visit."

"Hawaii is different," America said, making a face. Why did they always have to bring up Hawaii? He always felt like she was plotting to break off and build her own house again. Silly Hawaii.

"Take it!" North Carolina was holding the sombrero and trying to shove it onto South Carolina's head, "I'm trying to class up the place, and this isn't helping."

"Then put some shoes on!"

"I like the feel of the dirt on my toes. It's soothing!"

South Carolina threw the sombrero at NC. "Catch!"

America rubbed his forehead and decided to retreat, leaving the twins to argue over the fate of the giant ugly sombrero.

"Fly with Pedro for half-off!"

Yeah, no, he was going to ignore that.

* * *

**South of the Border is a tourist trap that technically resides in South Carolina. It's a rather ridiculous place, but it is the easiest place for most North Carolinians to obtain illegal fireworks. Still, it's an eyesore, and the mascot, Pedro (who appears here as a sombrero) is rather stereotypical. It's sometimes a joke in any game were NC and SC teams compete against each other, that the loser has to keep South of the Border.

**North Carolina has tar on her heels because North Carolina is known as the "Tar Heel" state.


	2. There's A Snake in My Backyard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's A Snake in My Backyard

“Florida! I’ve had it up to here with these snakes,” Georgia snapped. She stormed down the stairs of America’s house and into the massive living room where most of the States hung out when they weren’t in their own rooms. Flinging a ginormous python down on the ground, she glared and looked around the room, searching for Florida. “Every year more move into my room, and I am so done! FLORIDA! I’ll tell Dad!”

“So not in the mood,” Florida said, “It’s not like it was intentional.” He was hiding behind one of the couches, eating an orange and watching Disney videos on his iPhone. His grey hair fell into his bright, ocean-blue eyes, and he had to brush it back behind his ears so he could keep watching.

Over the back of the couch appeared a dark-haired head, and Nevada raised an eyebrow at him. “You know she’s going to find you,” she said, her beribboned braid slipping over her shoulder, “It’s pretty useless hiding back here.”

Florida shrugged and rolled over on his back. “Meh.”

“FLORIDA!”

“Georgia, shut up,” Pennsylvania scolded. He was sitting by the window, playing chess with Virginia, who was currently winning. “It’s not like Florida can do anything about it.”

“I’m tired of dealing with his mistake,” Georgia declared, “It’s not fair.” She peeked out one of the windows, trying to see if Florida was out by the pool, and then headed off to the theater room where he liked to hang out with California and New York.

“You should probably go back to your room while you can,” Nevada suggested. She settled back down on the couch and readjusted the gold and silver bangle on her arm before going back to reading a Mark Twain short story collection.

“Yeah, before she skins you alive, bro,” Arkansas put in from his comfy position on the couch opposite of Nevada. Shirtless underneath his overalls and barefoot as well, he looked like he had just come back from working in the vegetable garden, which was probably true. He and New Jersey were both big into gardening and yardwork.

He happened to be sharing a bottle of moonshine with West Virginia, who was sitting beside him in patched blue jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt. The logo on his t-shirt happened to be for a popular ski resort, Winter Place.

He had his hiking boots kicked up onto the coffee table between their couch and Nevada’s, and he was busy tuning the banjo in his lap. While North Carolina, South Carolina and Tennessee liked his twanging, most of the other States thought the banjo should be thrown out the windows. Haters gonna hate. He just gave Florida a look as the grey-haired guy stood up and laid his arms over the back of the couch.

“She needs to calm down,” Florida said, shooting a half-hearted frown in the direction Georgia and her temper had went, “She should take a note from Colorado. He’s chill.”

“He also doesn’t have to deal with your snake problem,” Nevada put in, “And he has other reasons for being mellow these days…”

“Yeah, unlike us down near you,” Arkansas said, rolling his eyes at Florida. “You just better watch it, or she’ll go get Alabama, Louisiana, and the Carolinas, and then you’ll be in for it.”

“She’s such a headache sometimes,” Florida complained. Still, rather than face her wrath, he headed off for the refuge so he could take refuge in his room.

Nevada glanced over the edge of her book at West Virginia. “Speaking of headaches, could you put that thing away?”

“Nope, I’d rather not,” West Virginia said. He was smaller than some of the other states, but at least he was bigger than some of those north-eastern states, and he was willing to stick up for himself. He plucked out a few whiny notes on his banjo. “I have to practice for a concert tonight.”

“Remind me to not go to that,” Nevada told Arkansas, and he gave her a happy thumbs up.

“Will do.”

“FloooOOORIDA!” Georgia roared back into the room, and then spun around in the center of the room. Her nostrils flared. “That’s it, I’m telling Dad!"

“Please keep it down, Georgia,” Virginia said, flashing the other State a frown. Her honey blond hair was pulled back in a tight, slick bun, and she was wearing jodhpurs and a dress blouse. Both she and Pennsylvania looked like they were going somewhere nice later, which probably meant they were heading over to D.C.’s house. They liked to visit her in the afternoons.

“Yeah, or you’ll wake up New York,” Arkansas said, shooting a glare over at the sleeping State.

Wearing a black leather jacket and jeans, New York was asleep on a rug in a patch of sunlight, his wavy brown and blue hair waving gently in the breeze from a nearby air vent. He looked totally calm and at peace, but no one really wanted to wake him up. He happened to be loud when he was awake and tended to burst into song at random.

“Fine,” Georgia said, stomping her foot in righteous anger, “But I’m still telling.”

“Go on, then,” Nevada said, not even looking up from her book.

Some things just weren’t worth fighting over.

 

* * *

 

**It’s been noted that exotic snakes escaped from pet stores during hurricanes in south Florida. There are rumors that these snakes are slowly breeding and spreading up the east coast and to neighboring Southern states. Georgia has reported finding pythons in its southern region. No one is particularly happy about this possibility.


End file.
